Thank you to all of my amazing friends and family for their uplifting and supportive words of wisdom. You don't know how much each and every one of you uplifted me. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I am blessed to have you all in my life. I love you all.
Do you ever feel like you're just stuck? Like the whole world around you is moving and you are the only one standing still? I can't help but feel this way for the last little while. I thought after I graduated from college my life would just fall right into place. I definitely thought I would have a baby or at least be pregnant- no on both counts. I also thought we might have plans to be buying a house or already be in a house, again no. I thought my music career as an LDS singer would be a lot closer than it is feeling right now; and I thought that we would be making a little more money than we currently are...Life has never gone as I planned, so I don't know why I thought it would start going my way now. I can't help but feel depressed though. Hard as I try, the sadness always finds me. Everyone tells me, "Just have faith" or "Heavenly Father must be testing your patience" or "The Lord's time is not our time." Sometimes I want to tell these people to just buzz off (and that's putting it mildly). I'm not trying to be rude. They are probably 100% correct in everything they are telling me...but how come I feel like I am the ONLY one in the world being tested in ALL areas of my life on how to be patient? I feel like I'm just standing, waiting for my number to be called- to catch a break, even in just ONE area of my life, and it never comes. I know that there are many people out there far worse off than I am. I am blessed in many ways, but somehow it's easier to count the ways I haven't been blessed- the things for which my heart longs for that I don't have. I am blessed to have good health, a loving and caring husband, and an amazing family on both sides. Not to mention that my husband and I both have jobs and a place to live and food to eat. The list does go on... I think the foundation of my sadness is the constant struggle of not getting pregnant. What am I doing wrong? I've seen so many different doctors, been through surgery, numerous tests, taken endless drugs, tried alternative medicine, changed my diet drastically, took up consistent exercise, fasting, prayer, blessings, more prayer, more fasting, more pleading, crying, begging, and now I'm down to just waiting... I really don't get it. I do not understand how drugged out women can get pregnant and I can't. I don't get how teenage girls can get pregnant and I'm not; or how my friends can get pregnant on birth control or the week after they go off, and I've been trying for THREE years. Al and I would love our baby like no one has ever loved a baby before. We are far from perfect, but we would raise them in the gospel and try the best we know how to do a good job of raising the Lord's children- should He decide to send any of his spirits down to us. I do believe in the Lord's timing and I know that He has a plan for all of us. I just wish I knew what mine was so that I wouldn't feel so lost right now. I try to fill my time with projects around the house, my music, shopping, working, church, Utah football games (Go Utes!), but the heartache is always there. As a woman, I think most of us feel like one of the best and biggest callings in our lives is to be a mother. The Church always talks about our role as mothers...I agree and stand by everything they say, but lately it has been really hard to hear because I'm not getting the opportunity to be a mother. I'm ready and willing and now, just waiting.... I don't mean to be such a downer. I really just needed to get my feelings down on paper and sent out into the Universe. I know some people can relate. If you can, maybe you can give me some pointers on how to not feel so sad and lost? It's really hard to do when everyone around me is living out my dreams of having children, buying a house, getting the high paying job, making their way into the LDS music industry, etc... With that being said, don't worry about me. I will be fine. I know the Lord would not want any of His children to be sad or unhappy. I know He has a plan for all of us. I hope one day I look back on this and realize I just needed to be patient. It's all in the Lord's timing. Not my timing- His timing.
My cute husband with our sweet friend's (Paul and Brittany Wiseman) baby. Al is such a natural with children. Thankfully Paul and Britt have let me take on the role of "auntie Ashleigh" to Ellie and I get to babysit her a lot.
I don't know about any of you, but for the last 3 years I have been wanting to make my apartment more chic and modern looking. I love looking at design magazines and blogs- daydreaming about how to make my apartment look like the pictures in the magazines. Usually I like too many things and I don't know where to start. Living in a two bedroom apartment with no storage space is an obstacle- and one that I have not mastered, YET. Now that I am done with school I have more time on my hands. I am determined to turn my apartment into a fabulous and chic downtown apartment- on a very limited budget, might I add. I am tired of walking into my home and looking at clutter and stuff everywhere. Goodbye to the days of college living. I now realize my husband and I are adults- yes, adults! We can no longer get away with having an apartment that looks like a college student's. I want my home to be inviting and personal, yet stylish and fresh. People always say, "Wait until you buy a house. You're only in an apartment." Well, to them I say, "Who knows how long we will be in this apartment. There is no reason why we shouldn't love and adore our home, whether we rent or own. It's our home... and it should represent my family and me." I am writing this to all of you so that it will actually get done. Now that I am telling everyone about my new project, I have to follow through with it. Remember, it will be on a tight budget using things I already have in my home. When I finish this lovely project, I will post before and after pictures. I can't wait! Here's to beautifying and enriching our home and life!
Yes, it has been a long, LONG journey for me to finish my Bachelor degree. After 8 years of going to school on and off, I finally finished!!! I had to take 18 credits this summer, but it was worth it. Thankfully, the Lord helped me through it all. My degree is a BS in Human Development and Family Studies with an emphasis in Early Childhood Education. I walked in May, but I technically didn't graduate until August 6th, 2010.
This is on August 6th after my last final of my undergrad career. Of course it was my math final, but believe it or not, I received an A in that class! Thank you Heavenly Father. This is Al and me at Rodizio Grill for his cousin's wedding dinner/ celebrating my graduation.
Al, Me, Meg, Ellen, and Brad.
These were taken in May. I walked on May 7th, 2010.
During the last week of June the whole Fagergren clan (minus Brian and Kim's family- we missed you!) went to Newport Beach, California to visit Michele (Alan's sister) and Jim Earl and their family. It was a wonderful break for me since I was in school at the time (18 credits- ugh); however, most of the time I was studying. Michele has a picture of me doing my math homework on the beach while everyone else is playing. I was quite content though. It's better than being stuck in a classroom!
Here are a few pictures from the trip. Michele's twins, Tanner and Taylor, are adorable! Everywhere Alan goes, the twins want to go too. They adore Al.
Taylor and Me.
Alan and me at Disneyland.
The twins and Michele meeting Buzz Lightyear.
I LOVE the swinging ferris wheel at California Adventure. To me, it is the scariest ride in the entire park. However, it is also the most fun! I laugh and scream the entire time because I am so scared. The best way to ride it is facing backwards when you swing. Our niece and nephew were very brave to come on it with us.
Al and me with our "Bug Eyes" on before watching "A Bugs Life."
Our niece and nephews were picked to be helpers during the Star Wars show (thanks to the signs made by Jim).
Al and I call ourselves the "A-Team." We thought it fitting to get a picture in the big 'A' in front of California Adventure.
I often think to myself that I am a pretty good person. I try to be kind to everyone. I try to help others as much as I can. I try to count my many blessings and be grateful for each and every one of them...Then I see people like Rob and Erin Koelliker and I think to myself, "I have such a long way to go." If I could be half as good of a person as these two are, maybe I could be content with myself. These two are some of our closest friends. They are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. They always make Alan and I laugh. You never leave them without feeling more uplifted and joyess- if that's even a word. They are so strong in their testimonies of the gospel... Needless to say, Alan and I look up to them a lot. More than they know. I write this today because we just returned from their little boy, Henry Robert Koelliker's funeral. He was only 4 days old. Heavenly Father called him back home. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through. I do know what it is like to lose someone you love (my father and grandfather). I only hope they will find peace and comfort in the beautiful graveside service today, in Elder Johnson's words,in their friends and families, and of course, in the gospel. Time does heal the pain and sorrow of losing a loved one. It isn't easy and it isn't fast. It feels like a roller coaster. Some days are great, others are painful and sorrowful, other days are filled with heartache and longing. This is the process of grief. Some days I would just start crying out of the blue after my dad died. It would be months later and it would all come rushing back. The one thing that I hold to (besides loving family members) is the gospel. I know I will see my dad again someday. Rob and Erin, I know you will see Henry again someday. He was such a special spirit that he didn't need to stay on this earth. He is part of your Eternal family. You two are such amazing and wonderful people. Alan and I feel proud to know you and be close friends with you. We are here for you always. I will continue to be inspired by your examples...We love you.