Do you ever feel like you're just stuck? Like the whole world around you is moving and you are the only one standing still? I can't help but feel this way for the last little while. I thought after I graduated from college my life would just fall right into place. I definitely thought I would have a baby or at least be pregnant- no on both counts. I also thought we might have plans to be buying a house or already be in a house, again no. I thought my music career as an LDS singer would be a lot closer than it is feeling right now; and I thought that we would be making a little more money than we currently are...Life has never gone as I planned, so I don't know why I thought it would start going my way now.
I can't help but feel depressed though. Hard as I try, the sadness always finds me. Everyone tells me, "Just have faith" or "Heavenly Father must be testing your patience" or "The Lord's time is not our time." Sometimes I want to tell these people to just buzz off (and that's putting it mildly). I'm not trying to be rude. They are probably 100% correct in everything they are telling me...but how come I feel like I am the ONLY one in the world being tested in ALL areas of my life on how to be patient? I feel like I'm just standing, waiting for my number to be called- to catch a break, even in just ONE area of my life, and it never comes.
I know that there are many people out there far worse off than I am. I am blessed in many ways, but somehow it's easier to count the ways I haven't been blessed- the things for which my heart longs for that I don't have. I am blessed to have good health, a loving and caring husband, and an amazing family on both sides. Not to mention that my husband and I both have jobs and a place to live and food to eat. The list does go on...
I think the foundation of my sadness is the constant struggle of not getting pregnant. What am I doing wrong? I've seen so many different doctors, been through surgery, numerous tests, taken endless drugs, tried alternative medicine, changed my diet drastically, took up consistent exercise, fasting, prayer, blessings, more prayer, more fasting, more pleading, crying, begging, and now I'm down to just waiting... I really don't get it. I do not understand how drugged out women can get pregnant and I can't. I don't get how teenage girls can get pregnant and I'm not; or how my friends can get pregnant on birth control or the week after they go off, and I've been trying for THREE years. Al and I would love our baby like no one has ever loved a baby before. We are far from perfect, but we would raise them in the gospel and try the best we know how to do a good job of raising the Lord's children- should He decide to send any of his spirits down to us.
I do believe in the Lord's timing and I know that He has a plan for all of us. I just wish I knew what mine was so that I wouldn't feel so lost right now. I try to fill my time with projects around the house, my music, shopping, working, church, Utah football games (Go Utes!), but the heartache is always there. As a woman, I think most of us feel like one of the best and biggest callings in our lives is to be a mother. The Church always talks about our role as mothers...I agree and stand by everything they say, but lately it has been really hard to hear because I'm not getting the opportunity to be a mother. I'm ready and willing and now, just waiting....
I don't mean to be such a downer. I really just needed to get my feelings down on paper and sent out into the Universe. I know some people can relate. If you can, maybe you can give me some pointers on how to not feel so sad and lost? It's really hard to do when everyone around me is living out my dreams of having children, buying a house, getting the high paying job, making their way into the LDS music industry, etc...
With that being said, don't worry about me. I will be fine. I know the Lord would not want any of His children to be sad or unhappy. I know He has a plan for all of us. I hope one day I look back on this and realize I just needed to be patient. It's all in the Lord's timing. Not my timing- His timing.
My cute husband with our sweet friend's (Paul and Brittany Wiseman) baby. Al is such a natural with children. Thankfully Paul and Britt have let me take on the role of "auntie Ashleigh" to Ellie and I get to babysit her a lot.
1 year ago