I can't help but feel depressed though. Hard as I try, the sadness always finds me. Everyone tells me, "Just have faith" or "Heavenly Father must be testing your patience" or "The Lord's time is not our time." Sometimes I want to tell these people to just buzz off (and that's putting it mildly). I'm not trying to be rude. They are probably 100% correct in everything they are telling me...but how come I feel like I am the ONLY one in the world being tested in ALL areas of my life on how to be patient? I feel like I'm just standing, waiting for my number to be called- to catch a break, even in just ONE area of my life, and it never comes.
I know that there are many people out there far worse off than I am. I am blessed in many ways, but somehow it's easier to count the ways I haven't been blessed- the things for which my heart longs for that I don't have. I am blessed to have good health, a loving and caring husband, and an amazing family on both sides. Not to mention that my husband and I both have jobs and a place to live and food to eat. The list does go on...
I think the foundation of my sadness is the constant struggle of not getting pregnant. What am I doing wrong? I've seen so many different doctors, been through surgery, numerous tests, taken endless drugs, tried alternative medicine, changed my diet drastically, took up consistent exercise, fasting, prayer, blessings, more prayer, more fasting, more pleading, crying, begging, and now I'm down to just waiting... I really don't get it. I do not understand how drugged out women can get pregnant and I can't. I don't get how teenage girls can get pregnant and I'm not; or how my friends can get pregnant on birth control or the week after they go off, and I've been trying for THREE years. Al and I would love our baby like no one has ever loved a baby before. We are far from perfect, but we would raise them in the gospel and try the best we know how to do a good job of raising the Lord's children- should He decide to send any of his spirits down to us.
I do believe in the Lord's timing and I know that He has a plan for all of us. I just wish I knew what mine was so that I wouldn't feel so lost right now. I try to fill my time with projects around the house, my music, shopping, working, church, Utah football games (Go Utes!), but the heartache is always there. As a woman, I think most of us feel like one of the best and biggest callings in our lives is to be a mother. The Church always talks about our role as mothers...I agree and stand by everything they say, but lately it has been really hard to hear because I'm not getting the opportunity to be a mother. I'm ready and willing and now, just waiting....
I don't mean to be such a downer. I really just needed to get my feelings down on paper and sent out into the Universe. I know some people can relate. If you can, maybe you can give me some pointers on how to not feel so sad and lost? It's really hard to do when everyone around me is living out my dreams of having children, buying a house, getting the high paying job, making their way into the LDS music industry, etc...
With that being said, don't worry about me. I will be fine. I know the Lord would not want any of His children to be sad or unhappy. I know He has a plan for all of us. I hope one day I look back on this and realize I just needed to be patient. It's all in the Lord's timing. Not my timing- His timing.
My cute husband with our sweet friend's (Paul and Brittany Wiseman) baby. Al is such a natural with children. Thankfully Paul and Britt have let me take on the role of "auntie Ashleigh" to Ellie and I get to babysit her a lot.
11 comments:
Ashleigh I'm so sorry! Although I cannot completely sympathize with you I know what you mean by your life being nothing like you expected!!! I feel like I'm always thinking as soon as this and this happens I'll be happy... I know I'm more a glass half full person and I'm not proud of it. You and Al WILL be great parents, you are both naturals when it comes to children! I'll keep you in my prayers. Here's to Chicago!
Ashleigh-
I can't say that I completely understand, because everyone's situations are different. But, there have been many times in my life that I have felt stuck in my life. Not progressing but mostly not being where I want to be. I know that this is the most simple thing, but in my journal I try and write 3 things that day that I am grateful for. Sometimes I have a hard time thinking of that many (i know sad), but overtime it helped me develop the real perspective that I should have.
I know that no one else's words can really heal the wounds of the soul except the savior and he usually doesn't come to us looking to heal us, he waits for us to come unto him to heal those wounds.
We love you and Al and hope you know that we pray for you. Whether you get this chance on earth or not, we know you two will be the best parents. Thanks for both being great examples to us.
Ashleigh, I could write down whatever "advice" I have, but I'm not sure it would be be of any help. All I can say is that I'm sorry and I love you. I put your name on the prayer roll every
Wednesday morning when I go. Sometimes it helps me to hear/read about other people's trials so I can think about theirs instead of mine. If that's the case, here are a few blog entries of of really difficult times from the last few years. http://byuckeyes.blogspot.com/2009_07_01_archive.html
http://byuckeyes.blogspot.com/2010/01/hyperemesis-gravidarum.html
Both of you are in our prayers,
Amy
Ash, I feel for you, I really do. I know that is probably annoying coming from a friend who has two children. BUT I KNOW how you feel, I know how it can feel to be the ONLY one not pregnant, not realizing those dreams you've always had.
My problems with infertility were different, I've been pregnant 7 times and have only 2 little boys to show for it. It took over a year and 2 lost babies to conceive Owen and 18 long arduous months and 3 more lost children and some clomid, trigger shot and IUI to conceive Nigel. As I watched EVERY friend around me seemingly effortlessly pop out babies one after the other.
It was a dark time in my life, really dark, I never did anything drastic, but my heart was empty, I was simply going through the motions. It took people loving me to help snap me back, it took hitting the bottom to rise again.
So my advice...
continue going through the motions, even if that is all you can do, and don't lose sight of the big plan (easier said than done), don't give in to the adversary and the discouragement he wishes to play-up, trust in Heavenly Father and keep praying (that part I didn't do, I got "tired" of nobody listening, or so I thought. But I should have kept praying, because eventually I learned that NOBODY could heal me the way my Savior could. I felt my spirit healed prior to conceiving Nigel and it's comforting to look back and know that it was not just the 2 lines on that pregnancy test, but it was the atonement that healed my spirit.
Hindsight is 20/20, I'm grateful for what I learned, I'm not grateful that I lost 5 children and experienced infertility of any kind, but I grew so much in that time, I am a better person because of it, I wouldn't want to do it again, I might have chosen some other trials to learn what i needed. But I changed, I changed for the better. And I pray every day that I won't have to bear those burdens again.
But here we are again on cycle #5 (nothing compared to 3 years) of trying for #3 and no luck, so let's make a deal, I pray for you and Al, you pray for me and Sam.
Love you girl, hang in there!
-Melissa
Thanks for sharing Ashleigh. I am impressed that you would be this open about your struggles. I would like to think that Ysolina I have shared some of your challenges although everyone has there own unique experience. The best way I heard infertily explained is like a death in the family that no one but you mourns. We struggled for four years trying to have children and felt for a long time that our dream would never come true. I would suggest you go to LDS family services and at least meet some other couples going through the same thing you are. This doesn't mean you have decided to adopt or that you won't continue to try. But it helps to know that if it ends up you adopt, it is not the end of the world. Our son is everything we ever dreamed of and an answer to our prayers. There is nothing more we could ever hope for. We love him with all our hearts and because he is sealed to us, he is ours in the most important way. I know our Father in Heaven loves us and knows your desires. There is no doubt in my mind you will have a baby in your arms one way or another. We will pray for you and don't lose hope.
Love,
Jon and Ysi
We are praying for you guys. We love you and know you will be wonderful parents. Call me anytime. You are so brave to share your feelings.
Ash I am so sorry you are going through all this! Check out www.insidemyinfertility.blogspot.com
It might bring you comfort to read about others you can relate to. Love you:)
ashleigh- i'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. it's hard not to ask yourself "why me" when it seems like few other people are going through the same trials you are. i feel ya- it's hard not being able to start a family when you want to. our reason is different than yours, josh's dr's told us we can't have kids for a few years because of his chemo, and that's hard to hear when all you want to be is a mom and start a family. all i can say, is try to find happiness in the positive things- it's hard to point out the blessings, but when you do, you become a more grateful and happy person.
"Although it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today
will eventually be returned one hundredfold with tears of rejoicing."
-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
hang in there :)
I totally agree - it is unfair how unprepared 16 year olds get knocked up and others who would are yearning for a baby have a hard time! My mom and dad tried for 10 years (and adopted my brother) before they had me and my sister so don't give up hope! In the meantime you can play with baby Alec anytime :)
Ashleigh,
Thank you for sharing this. I also struggled with infertility and 3 years of TTC as well as fertility treatments due to my PCOS. I can completely relate to that feeling of being stuck. You just feel like you are treading water, waiting for your life to truly "begin". . . I thought that feeling would never end, but finally, in October, it did. I will keep you in my prayers that it will happen for you, too, and soon. May the Lord bless you,
Julia
Hey Ashleigh,
Wow, what amazing timing for me to catch up on your blog. I had no idea, and I am so sorry you guys are going through this. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your journey. I know you were writing out of your pain, but you really blessed me with your honesty.
Dustin and I have been trying for 2 years and are in the "infertility" club as well. One of those few clubs no one wants to join, hey? ;) Both my mom and aunt struggled to get pregnant, so it didn't come as a huge shock, but disappointing nonetheless. I'm fairly confident endometriosis is our issue, which means there really isn't much that can be done. We've spent a lot of time in prayer, seeking counsel form the Lord. Dustin and I both felt that we needed to get to a point where we could lay down our dreams of being parents if that's what God's will was. Through scripture and prayer we both have felt it confirmed that we will someday be parents ... so we are just waiting, still seeking counsel. IUI, IVF, adoption, so many options it can seem overwhelming. (Not to mention the 100's of diets, exercise regimens, supplements, etc. that well meaning people offer.) :) I have more or less avoided reading/researching all the diets, etc. as I know that the only one in control of giving us a child is the Lord. I don't mean to sound flippant, I know some of those things can be helpful, but for me I end up feeling more stressed and thinking that if I don't do it just perfect, I'm the one messing things up. When it truth, it's all in God's hands. We just have to wait.
Reading Melissa and Julia's comments was so encouraging! Hi girls! I'm SO happy for both of you. Melissa, I've followed your journey on your blog, and what your honesty has encouraged me as well. I'm so sorry for all the pain you've had to endure. What a sweet picture to know that in Heaven you'll be reunited with all your precious babies! And Julia, what a miracle! I'm totally encourage and feeling hopeful after hearing your story. Bethany, your boys are just as precious too ... so grateful that you've been able to conceive and deliver healthy babes!
I'll wrap up this novel, bottom line is we are getting ready to do our first round of IUI, and this was just what I needed. I think the biggest lie we can believe is that we are alone in this. And, reading all of your stories was so awesome.
Ashleigh, I will be praying for you and Alan. Melissa, same for you and Sam. Here's hoping we can all meet up for lunch someday with babies on our laps! ;)
Love you girls!
Amy
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